My Encounter with Grief…
Grief…the mere mention of the word triggers an emotion that can transport each one of us back to a moment in time when we experienced the loss of a loved one. Whether it is the end of a relationship or the death of a loved one, the energy of grief is one that if left unchecked can ultimately lead to our own demise.
Last year I experienced that feeling during a call from the grandmother of my beloved friend and soul mate, who through her tears said that he had tragically taken his life. As I fell to the floor, I felt my body go numb. I could not believe the words that were flowing into my ears, my heart, and my soul. The pain that I felt in this moment was one that I wished I would never have to feel again but I would quickly realize that this feeling would soon be replicated on a much wider scale as the world was on the verge of a pandemic so deadly that we all in some ways would have to relive the process of grief as a global community over and over again.
During the days that followed, the pain of this loss felt like the world, and my world had ceased to exist. As I moved through the stages of grief that we are all too familiar with when we experience loss, I felt myself spiraling. I pulled up every picture, text and voice note that we had ever shared and relived every moment, refusing to believe that his earthly body was no longer here breathing the same air that we agreed to share together. I felt guilty for not being there to support him on the days leading up to his last breath. Could I have done anything differently? Could I have saved him if I called or sent a text to check in while I was gone? Was there anything else that I could have done to be a good friend and person of support for him?
Then came the anger…an emotion so strong that its fire burned through every cell in my body. Why did he do this? Why would he leave us behind? What kind of God would allow us to bare this kind of burden? I questioned everyone and everything and all sense of reason was engulfed in flames leaving my heart in ashes. I became what felt like a shell of a person as I laid in bed for days wanting to give up.
Enter the depression…the weight of which caused me to sink deeper and deeper into an ocean of darkness. I caught glimpses of the light of hope as it reflected from the surface of reality, but I found solace in the depths of the ocean of sorrow, and I knew that I was drowning. Everything was dark and quiet and as the edges of despair touched the surface of my body there was a stillness that moved through me. Every so often I was gently rocked by the waves moving around me, seemingly trying to push me towards the lit surface without much success. I can see other beings around me that checked in and provided some support, but my mind was not ready to break free from the comfort that came with not having to feel. The darkness felt like death itself and I was ready to embrace that feeling.
In this moment of the death of my SELF that I had grown to know so intimately, I realized that even though the flames had ripped through my heart, I still had the breath of life flowing through my body. In this moment, I felt the energy of the earth rising from its core, bringing with it the energy of life and creation. In this moment, I knew that I had to pull myself back to the surface of reality. A reality where I have children, family, and friends that love, support, and count on me to be the best version of myself every day. A reality where I made the choice to be here on this planet to grow and reconnect with my divine self. A reality where I know that my light is part of a collective that keeps humanity and our planet alive and well.
Once I was able to accept that the physical body of my loved one was not a part of my earthly life anymore, I was able to take a step toward moving forward on MY path. I sought the support of my family, friends, guides and even had an amazing séance that provided clarity and closure to this experience.
Often when we are moved to the point of death and are reborn, we are able to come back with a greater sense of certainty and appreciation for the path that we are on. Many of us experience an overwhelming feeling of love and clarity as we allow ourselves to be replenished with a new energy that carries us through the obstacles that we face in life. This rebirth also reconnects us to the things that really matter in our lives, and this is what allows us to experience the beauty and benefits of being human.
For more information about overcoming grief and coping with the loss of a loved one click here
If you or someone that you know is contemplating suicide and needs assistance, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND WE ARE HERE TO SUPPORT YOU. LOVE AND LIGHT ALWAYS!